How do we define ourselves?

I have heard and seen couple of things in the last couple of days that were really simple but very effective. Whilst I am keen to blog lots of clever stuff that is hopefully interesting (feedback welcome) I'm really pleased to share simple stuff that I have found valuable.

INTERESTING SUBJECT 1

First, a friend is doing an Masters dissertation ostensibly on what influences boys to do boyish sports and girls to do girlish sports and it caused me to re-think and challenge what it means to be a boy or a girl in terms of attitude (as opposed to the physical differences).

Example1. Ballet and Gymnastics both require balance, strength, power. Is there a physical difference between the two, or is it just the social labels we put to them which might make them boyish or girlish?

Example2. Netball and Basketball look pretty similar. Is people's willingness to do one or the other based on the sport, social pressure, peer appraisal or label stereo-types.

I am really looking forward to seeing the output of this research.

INTERESTING SUBJECT 2

I've put these together because they are linked.

Another friend (a gym instructor) explained that when working with children she would literally get down to their level. If they sat on the floor she would too. If they rolled on the group she would too. She engaged them by been their equal (in height as well as language!)

This was really interesting because as adults we seldom take the effort to match the people with whom we have dialogue. Short sentences should get short replies. If one person is seated the other should be too. If one uses simple language the other should mirror this.

Now this may seem obvious (especially to a generation used to body language and NLP) but how often do we see someone standing and talking in long complex sentences to an audience seated and wanting something in plain English!

INTERESTING SUBJECT 3

I have another friend who is studying to be a psychotherapist (yes I have some pretty interesting and unusual friends!)

He spoke of how we project onto other people what we think, they think of us. We react not to what the person is saying or doing, but what we think, they think. This links to an earlier blog about words and meanings and how every communication is a mix of TOPIC and RELATIONSHIP eg what is being said, and how we feel we are being treated.

Example: You explain to me how to fix a gearbox. I think, you think I am an idiot and I respond not to what you said, or even to how you said it, but according to my internal notion about what I think you (and the rest of the world) thinks about me. If we take this on trust it suggest that we are self-limiters, we sabotage ourselves all the time!

A phrase I have often used when coaching summarises this: We all have a voice in our head which talks to us. Perhaps when we are about to do something difficult or important. If that voice was outside your head, or indeed those same words were spoken by someone else - would that person be your friend? Is the voice in your head your friend or your enemy?

The common theme here seems to be around how we behave as a result of what we think other people think of us. In Subject 1, boys might be boyish only to assert their membership of their social group, and make decisions according to the social labels, rather than any other factor. In Subject 2, children cannot relate to an adult doing adult things, but quickly embrace ideas if the teacher joins their social group by being child-like. In Subject 3 we see the importance of friendship and social acceptance to getting along with people, including getting along with ourselves!

I welcome feedback and suggestions to other reading, podcasts, blogs, etc.