Ever felt like saying 'but that's not what I said'?

I've become really interested in communication. It is a tool we have all used since birth, even before language we have ways of communicating!

It seems simple, but is complex. It is the cause of knowledge and wars, of love and hate, and commonly of mis-understanding.

The problem seems to be due to the fact that my words, with my meaning, in my context, based on my experience, and my objectives to support me.. are not the same for you, your experience, your meanings etc.

Things are made worse because communication is about both TOPIC and RELATIONSHIP at the same time. Everything I say or do is personal, but the meaning that I give it when it is transmitted may not be the meaning that you put to it when it is received, because YOU are different from ME.

The process has been likened to tennis rally, with the conversation ball dependant upon both people being able to understand and react to each-other in a way that suits both. Attempting to serve an ace in such circumstances is destructive!

Since we were born communication serves 3 purposes..
1. What people say, do and act toward us, defines our self-image
2. We need to build both communications and relationships to survive
3. The use of communications allows us to influence our world

Our subconscious analysis all communications on 3 levels..
A. What's going on here?
B. What will happen next?
C. How am I being treated?

Given 1,2 & 3 and A,B & C there is a lot going on!

The theories suggest that when I talk I will be thinking of me, of my self-image and what you think of me. You will have your perspective for each of these areas. Where conversation supports each-others beliefs (about our selfs) then we have rapport. When it does not we rationalise, justify, or become defensive to 'save face' This is a subconscious and automatic reaction.

It requires us to take a conscious action, to breath deeply, to take a break, to reflect, in order to over-ride the auto response system and re-calibrate to take account of new learning, new perspectives.

The challenge is not about clear transmission. It is about what you need to do or say to ensure clear reception. Is this what Derren Brown does when he puts an idea into somebody's head, and then proceeds to 'mind read'?

I think it is a fascinating subject. If you do too, I recommend these links..

Link 1

Link 2